


. : Flash : .

by NightHaze



Series: angsty series? (lmao I need a better name) [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, M/M, Past Tense, Pro Volleyball Player Bokuto Koutarou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-03-30 20:01:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13958946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightHaze/pseuds/NightHaze
Summary: Many things can't be forever, especially when it came to him.Many things were bound to happen, especially when it came to them.It was going to happen, but he didn't want to admit it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another attempt, but I'll be trying something new. Maybe something angsty, but I'm not sure yet ^^'
> 
> The first chapter will be very short, as you can probably tell from the word count given :')

It was flying. Spinning. Twirling. It was dancing in the air as the soft evening breeze caught the underside of the feather's vanes. It was glowing a tawny brown in the sunlight as it fell, before landing softly in someone's palm.

He pinched it between his forefinger and thumb, holding it up to the glow of the setting sun, letting it cast a small, but significant shadow across his face. That shadow was all he had left.

The wind blew slightly, ruffling his hair.

He didn't understand.

Why did he leave?

Why did he just disappear off the face of the earth? 

It wasn't fair.

Not to him.

Not to anyone else.


	2. Chapter 2

**April 7, 2017**

I honestly don't know.

How does he put up with me? I'm the complete opposite of him, and forever will be. He's already so much farther ahead in life than I could ever be. He understands things. He's smart, and he thinks before he acts. 

I feel guilty. He has so much potential, so much he could do, but I'm holding him back. I'm holding back that untapped, incredible potential because I refuse to let him go. 

But here's the problem.

I can't.

I can't let him go.

Why?

Because I love him.


	3. Chapter 3

"He's gone, bro.

He...

He's actually gone.

I got the call last night."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, I'm not sure if you can tell, but from chapter 2-10 (ish) they will be short, "diary" entries by someone. I may add a couple of actual "story context" if I can find the muse. I will not reveal who to someone is, but feel free to guess.
> 
> ##### More notes at the end

**April 10, 2017**

Please, tell me. 

_Why did you do it?_

I know you can't hear me any longer. I know that my efforts weren't enough to save you. I know that I should have noticed sooner, that I should have pushed harder to help you. You did an incredible job of hiding it. 

I'm ashamed. I can't call you my best friend, when I didn't even realize when you were in pain. I failed to see it. I failed you, and I failed myself. 

I miss you. 

I would give anything in the world to get you back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to write a full, 4-5k word chapter at the end, but I'm not sure quite yet. I need to find a muse.


	5. Chapter 5

**April 12, 2017**

I've never really written in a "journal" before. Kuroo told me that it might be a good way to get out some of my frustration. It's the third time I've done this, and I still feel so furious while writing this.

I'm upset. I'm sad. I'm confused.

I don't understand.

I can't understand.

I won't understand.

I refuse to.

I can't believe you just did that. You can't take others' words to heart. They were harsh, I admit it. They were no reason you should have done what you did. You're so good at brushing them off, you always ignore them if they bother you.

But you know that the team loves you. You... you should've known that _I_ love you.

It looks like you didn't know though.

You may be gone from this planet, but you'll always have a piece of my heart with you.


	6. Chapter 6

**April 14, 2017**

The team's not the same without you. We're not at our best. 

We just lost against Nekoma in a practice match, and Kuroo will never let me live this down. He understands of course. He knows that we weren't at our best. He won't admit it, but he misses you too. Kenma as well. I can tell.

The dynamics between our schools aren't the same anymore. 

They even offered to mourn for you, to pray that you were safe.

Kuroo, Kenma and I even went out to the restaurant we always used to go to. They noticed immediately something was wrong and asked us.

You won't believe what happened.

The owner went into shock, nearly had a panic attack. He caught the attention of the other regulars, and they started murmuring amongst themselves. Some even gave us their condolences as they left.

We got a free meal that night. For once, we all ate in silence. Even Kuroo didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. Kenma didn't use his phone. He just stared at his food.

Your disappearance hasn't just affected the team and I. It's affected others.

Kuroo.

Kenma.

Nekoma.

The restaurant owner.

Everyone else who knew you.

Why? Why?

_Please_ help me understand why you did what you did.


	7. Chapter 7

**April 16, 2017**

Kuroo called last night. He was drunk off his ass, and was babbling about the most random things.

He talked mostly about Kenma.

But after about an hour, he brought up you.

I wasn't sure what to say, so I just listened.

He _cried_ , you know. Kuroo never does that. You've really left your mark on all of us.

It's not a pretty mark.

It's one that lodges deep into you, and tears you up from the inside out. 

It's like a burning hot brand that's been pressed to your chest. 

Your face, your name, your very memory is seared into my mind, my heart, and my very being.

.........

I guess I'll let you in on a little secret.

I cried too.

I miss you.


	8. Chapter 8

**April 18, 2017**

School's not the same anymore. I have no motivation to keep going, knowing that I won't be able to see you when volleyball practice comes. I'm thinking of quitting.

I know that you'd disapprove. Force me to continue against my will.

A little bit like how Kuroo convinced Kenma to keep playing volleyball in high school.

They have each other. I have them too, but they're at Nekoma while I'm stuck here alone at Fukurodani. Sure, I have the volleyball team, but it's just not the same.

Practice is freakishly quiet now.

We only hear the sounds of sneakers against the ground, and of volleyballs hitting the ground, or being received.

No more calling of my name. No more calling of your name.

All we know now is silence.


	9. Chapter 9

**April 20, 2017**

When you told me "I love you" after that one match, were you serious?

Or where you saying it in a friendly way?

Either way, it doesn't make this pain go away.


	10. Chapter 10

**April 22, 2017**

"I love you"

Those words you spoke still resonate in my head and in my heart.

It might have been in a friendly way, but it means everything to me.


	11. Chapter 11

**April 24, 2017**

I rarely see Kuroo and Kenma anymore unless it's a match. I don't really do anything but go to school and go to practice. Everything I do is like a chore. It's no longer fun without you.

Nothing is. There's no meaning to it.

You made everything special.

I hate you for leaving me alone.


	12. Chapter 12

**April 26, 2017**

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I don't hate you. 

Those were the words that made you do it, huh.

Those were the words that drove you to that point that you'd never return from, no matter how much support we gave you. No matter how much love we gave you.

No one even saw it until it was too late.

We tried to stop you.

We tried in vain. 

We did everything we could.

You didn't let us help.

You went ahead and did it yourself.

You betrayed us as a team.

You betrayed me as my best friend.  



	13. Chapter 13

**April 28, 2017**

I don't know why I keep writing.

I don't know why I keep going on. 

It's nearly been a month since it's happened. 

The reality has just started to sink in.

I know you're not here, but I refuse to admit it.

But now I have to.  



	14. Chapter 14

**April 30, 2017**

I have to keep my mind off of things.

I have to keep my mind off _you_.

I'm leaving Fukurodani for good. I'm leaving Japan.

There are too many memories here with you.

They're too painful.

I want to start a new beginning. 

I hope you'll support me.


	15. Chapter 15

**May 10, 2017**

I've finally gotten everything into place. I'm moving.

I'm going to Europe. I've heard that there are incredible things there.

The Eiffel Tower.

The Berlin Wall.

These things sound foreign to me, but they sound so incredible.

I wish you could see them with me....


	16. Chapter 16

**May 18, 2017**

I've tried to stop thinking about you. I truly have. 

But I can't.

Everywhere I go, I almost always turn around and ask what you think.

Then I remember.

You're not here.

People stare at me when I do forget, they probably think I'm crazy.

A foreigner in another foreign country, acting strange, maybe even delusional.

I keep thinking that I see you when I really don't. 

It messes with my head.

It messes with my thoughts until I just want to scream out loud.

Scream until I can't hear anything else around me.

Scream until my voice goes raw.

Your lack of presence has shaken me to my very core. Call me selfish that I don't think of how your disappearance affects others. I don't care.

It was selfish of _you_ to do what you did without telling anyone. 

Without telling the team.

Without telling your parents.

Without telling your friends.

Without telling me.


	17. Chapter 17

**May 24, 2017**

I saw someone today on the streets that reminded me of you.


	18. Chapter 18

**May 29, 2017**

I think I'm going insane. I swear I heard your voice today. I turned around, and there was no one there.

I turned back around, but I heard you call my name again.

You've become almost toxic to me. 

You've made me hallucinate.

You've made me keep believing you're here, when you're really not.

You're making a fool out of me.


	19. Chapter 19

**June 4, 2017**

It's nearly summer time now.

Remember how we always used to hang out? Despite our year difference, we were always seen together. Some people thought we were dating.

Wasn't it strange for someone like me, a year apart from you, to hang out with you all the time? It's not a bad strange..... It's just... a bit unusual.

Kuroo calls quite often to check up on me to make sure everything's alright. I haven't heard much from Kenma, but Kuroo gives me occasional updates.

I'll be spending part of the summer with Kuroo, though it probably won't be as much fun without you.


	20. Chapter 20

**June 13, 2017**

I've thought of it, you know.

Joining you.

Ending my life right now just so I can see you again.

I don't want to wait all these years to join you.

I wanted to be with you the way you were. 

I still _want_ to be with you.

I don't care what the others thought of you. You weren't what they said. They judged you without getting to know you.

You were perfect in my eyes.

You still are.


	21. Chapter 21

**June 20, 2017**

It’s really depressing.

It’s so unusual to not wake up to no text notifications from you.

I should be used to it now, but I’m not.

I find myself constantly scrolling through our texts and reading through them.

I can probably recite all of the conversations we’ve had.

Some were quite strange, I’lll admit.

Some were funny, some were sad and sober.

They all just remind me of you and make this gaping hole feel worse.


	22. Chapter 22

**July 21, 2017**

I finally realized it.

It’s probably been the hundredth time I’ve read through these messages.

You’ve done something really clever, and I never noticed until now.

I’m sorry.

I love you too.

God.

I’ll love you forever.


	23. Chapter 23

**July 26, 2017**

I can’t stay here any longer.

It feels like I’m too far away from where you now lay.

And it’s true. 

I may be on the continent next door, but you’re on an island while I’m stuck here in the centre of a foreign country.

I’m a foreigner to these people, who are equally as foreign to me.

I’d rather be back with people who look like me, I’d rather be back, closer to you.

I can understand how you felt when they made fun of you, but I guess my point of view is a bit different.

People who make fun of someone who’s different are truly cruel people. It might sound harsh if I say this myself, but someone’s got to say it.

People who judge others without getting to know them are bastards.


	24. Chapter 24

**August 27, 2017**

I’m back again. I have no real motivation to do anything. I don’t have a path that I want to walk. There’s really nothing to do without you.

I might go to the community college nearby. Study something minor, make some money, live my life. 

I’m not even sure if I want to keep pursuing volleyball. I haven’t played it ever since I left Japan. So, I guess that makes it about three months.

I don’t think it’s even worth playing if you’re not there.


	25. Chapter 25

**September 20, 2017**

It’s a special day today. For you and for me. I wish you were here to celebrate it with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to write something special for the end ^^
> 
> It won't be awfully long, I want to keep the pattern of having short chapters so yeaaah
> 
> ;-;


	26. Chapter 26

_You came into my life like a lion, and left it like a lamb._

He raised his head, rolling the feather between his pointer finger and thumb. As a soft wind blew, he let go of the feather, watching it float away silently, twisting and turning in the slight breeze. The feather was that of an owl, a silent and deadly predator, one who swooped down, grabbing at its prey before flying off, never to be seen again.

Watching the feather be carried away by the wind only brought back painful memories to him, just like how he felt that his heart had been torn out by an owl who had only left a feather behind in remembrance.


	27. Chapter 27

He regretted letting go. Regretted ever letting go of _him_ , or that feather.

He couldn't do anything to stop the pain he felt each passing day.

He could have committed suicide, but he didn't. He had decided to stay on the earth. A place miserable and bleak without the person that he had evidently fallen in love with. The world was dull, black and white, it was as if all colors had been drained from the earth.

The trees were no longer a lush green, the crystal blue water no longer glimmering. He noticed nothing, no emotions, no expressions. He was only aware of the misery he felt himself.

It had been three years since he'd moved back to Japan from Europe. 

He always came back. He couldn't leave and stay away. He was stuck. He was trapped in a never-ending circle he created himself, a circle of hurt and sadness. 

The feather was long gone. He couldn't see it anymore. The loneliness had hit him once again, just like it had for the past several hundred days. He was never going to get over the loss of his best friend, or of his first and last love.

He couldn't love anymore. Not after that.

He let out a low sigh, barely heard. A small puff of white air left his lips, and he felt his eyes burn as he stared at the setting sun.

_No. Not here._

With that, he turned his back against the sun, his shadow long and lanky before him on the ground. He felt as if it represented him perfectly, just there, a figment of presence. Sometimes there, sometimes hidden. 

He felt something fall from his eyes, and hit the ground with a soft _plop_ and he knew that he wouldn't be able hold them back. Not this time. Not like the other times. 

His hands were stuffed into his over-sized black coat pockets, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried in vain to block all of the bubbling emotions. He'd done so well. He thought that he could forget. Even after four years, he still couldn't.

_Come back to me, Bokuto-san. Please._  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaannd conclusion  
> ;-;
> 
> bah-bye

**Author's Note:**

> so.... I'll leave this here to be interpreted until the next chapter :P


End file.
